Having seen terrible states of dispassion for a period of over 6 to 13 years, I sympathize with those who go through this gut wrenching state of utter uselessness. The futility of life, the apathy towards death or diseases or just plain inattentiveness of the spouse or relative! The sudden case of amnesia about personal wants and desires. The state of utter helplessness and apathy.
It all starts when your Guru meets you. He can see through your list of demands and wants in life. Your thirst and hunger for worldly and material things. You have wants and cravings for good looks, good food, settled life from marital to professional one, children, financial stability and growth, happiness and joy, peace and tranquility, education and prosperity…. Your list of demands are endless. Then there are those who want to achieve spiritual greatness, emancipation, moksha, god-realization, spiritual knowledge, ancient wisdom, meditative bliss or perfection… Again these lists are lusty and greedy to the core. Now when the Guru checks you out, your greed exceeds everything in this world. A common man on the street has no clue about these higher demands of life and you want to stomach all that from this great soul.
So the first thing that the Guru does is to tweak your desire meter. He shuts off the tap of desire. You go in a complete shutdown mode. No longer are you interested in any lusty or greedy desires.
You start shunning all those beautiful things that you so much craved for. From food to clothes become an alien domain. You eat only when your stomach growls or you have got tired of sitting stunned. Your food habits have undergone a drastic change. You used to love spicy or sweet foods full of calories. But now you just eat for keeping your body from deteriorating or falling ill. You eat for eating sake and not out of likes. Every food tastes like a bland tasteless stuff. No longer spices tempt you. No liquor or wines can call out to you with interest. Your eating and drinking has become a fruitless chore.
Same with your dressing up. You wear clothes just to coverup your body. It has nothing to do with aesthetics or dress sense. You wear what comes in your hand without bothering about color or shape or size. You are not interested in dressing up or putting on any kind of makeup or accessorizing yourself. You care two hoots for social requirements like evening wears or Sunday dressing, wedding wears or formal clothing. You would like to remain insignificant and unnoticed. You wouldn’t want anyone to comment on what or how you wear. You start reducing your wardrobe size significantly. Your footwear also becomes functional. Your utter distaste for any kind of garrulous and loud clothing or coiffure is so much visible.
Your other activities have also taken a back seat. You are hardly on the social scene. You shut yourself up in your room or office. You hardly speak to anyone. You have shunned any kind of group activities or outdoor trips. You just stare at walls or look blank or lost. Your appetite for reading books or journals has also diminished or has died. You go to office or workplace only so that you can avoid people at home. At work you appear simply engrossed in your work but you hate or loath it simply. You are not interested in growing in your career since everything looks so useless or frivolous to you. It looks like an empty place where people fight for promotions or career advancements but you just feel that it has no value or fruitless search. You won’t even fill your own appraisal forms or arrange meetings with your bosses. It’s a big burden on you.
When it is family time, you feel that this thing which people die for is not worthy enough. What can a wife or husband give you is your question to yourself! They can only offer you bondage and grief. Children and families are a burden on you. In-laws or relatives are just too much of a disturbance and you avoid discussions or family occasions. You would rather run away on important social festivals like Christmas or thanksgiving, Pongal or Holi, New Years or Harvest festivals. Your social barometer has turned off.
You feel you should run away somewhere far, where no one can find you out. Would a Himalayas or Andamans serve the purpose? You want to shut the whole world out.
You would like to sit undisturbed at the feet of your Master. Listening to His sweet words of wisdom. Any other person in your or His vicinity would amount to warzone. You would like to own Him and transport Him to an unknown place. Taking in words from His tongue, you would love to be lost singing glories to Him and The Lord.
This state is dispassion. You are oblivious to everything. You do not have any feeling or hatred for anything at all. You are listless and uninterested in any worldly activities.
This state which you have fallen under is literally like a cleaning process of the mind. Since you were so keen on material life earlier, you were full of desires and needs but once this condition dawns on you, the root cause of all worldly misery is getting chopped off from your life.
You only desire your Masters company, loosing yourself in that blissful state you feel completely free from all kinds of bondages and miseries. You find your peace and tranquility at His feet alone. This is the first step on the way to spiritual freedom and God realization.
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