Let me pick up from where I had left off last time, about the narration of my journey with my KrsnaGuru. It had just been 3 months since I had moved to Singapore in 2010. Though it was (and continues to be) a roller-coaster journey, things were going fine until a significant fight took place between my Guru and myself. I did not know what hit me and how to solve this issue.
In the month of June 2010, it was decided that my Guru would be visiting me in Singapore. I was so excited to have him stay with me for a month. My excitement knew no bounds. I made all the arrangements for him to visit. During that period I was living with a family friend of mine and given that my friend’s mom was in India it was not an issue to have my Guru live with us.
My Guru asked me to plan a schedule for his visit. What could he do during his visit? He asked me to draft a programme outline which he would work on with me to put together the final schedule. Since I was just 3 months old in the country, I did not know much about how things functioned here! I was exploring what could be the various activities which I could conduct for my Guru. One option was to organize regular Satsangs and have people join in if they intended to learn about Spirituality.
However, I was not able to source a place for organizing the Satsangs and my friend was not too comfortable having people coming over to his place. On the other hand, my master started to question my capability to do things and this was something I could not accept as it was a big blow to my ‘Ego’. Not just that, he started to compare me with another student of his who lived in Singapore. The fight now became a daily affair and it continued to get worse by the day even before his arrival to Singapore. I did not know how to deal with it and every day after he would question my ability, I would be left feeling bitter and angry – two emotions that are a spiritualist’s greatest enemy.
My anger started growing by leaps and bounds. With every single reference to his other student or any form of comparison at all made me feel hurt and sorry for myself. This gave rise to my Lower Self – the worst form of ‘Ego’ to develop on the path of Spirituality. What I did not know at that time is that my Guru had started to test my level of Faith in him before he could open my path of Knowledge. I started behaving like a martyr and every single day I only started to see the down-side of life. I could not bear to fight with my Guru whom I love the most.
Also, I am the kind of person who cannot stop talking or just walk out of a relationship simply because the other person (who means the world to me) hurts me. I always believe in sorting the issues by speaking up. The more I tried to speak with my Krsna and resolve the issues, the more it kept adding to my miseries, forget about resolving even one issue. The bucket list of problems kept growing by the minute. It was a very strange experience for me as I have never dealt with anything like that before. I felt like pulling my hair out!
Finally, it was decided that my Guru will entrust the work to his other student and I need not be involved in it. It shattered me even more, leaving me completely dejected. On one hand, my job was incredibly demanding and on the other, here was the Spiritual learning, which required double the effort. I was completely torn between the two. I began to question what exactly the concept of Spirituality entails. I thought being on the path of Spiritual will give me peace and here I was losing my sanity every single moment in my life.
Lost in the delusion caused by my Guru, I begun to hate Krsna and I did not want him in my life. I wanted to stay away from him and avoid talking to him as much as I could. But no matter what, I would still end up calling him up every single day and my story continued adding to my misery. All this was happening while he was still in India and then finally, one day, all hell broke loose. The week before his arrival, I had firmly decided I no more want Krsna in my life and I couldn’t bother what my Guru did or did not do. That one week I wouldn’t talk to him much and if he sent me a message, I would only answer to the point and my answer would be quite vague. Then, something drastic happened.
The lesson which I didn’t understand at that time was that, your Guru is going to constantly test your faith in him and also try to push you to your limit in order to check whether you are going to stand his teachings at that time or fall prey to the delusions? The most important lesson to live as a spiritual being is, no matter how much you are incited you cannot let your mind fall prey to it and lose the wonderful lessons learnt. The key here is to imbibe the knowledge imparted and then apply at the hour of test of your faith in the divine. The most valuable lesson is that, till the time this knowledge does not perfect within you, until then you are going to keep facing the same tests in over and over again in varied forms. Please note that they will only come when you least expect it catching you completely off-guard.
My Guru always says that you can take all the scriptures, make a juice of them in a blender, and drink it. Neither will any knowledge ever enter your being, nor will you ever understand the real meaning behind what is being taught. You will only ever truly learn once you surrender your Ego in supplication unto your Guru’s feet. The dissipation of Mind, Body, and Senses as well the modes of material nature is extremely critical in attainment of the Spiritual weal. A Guru will always test your worthiness and whether you are truly deserving, for him to impart this profound, ultimate Knowledge. This was just the beginning or the trailer of a movie, the actual movie is yet to come! So stay tuned and keeping reading.
With the Grace of my Master I have been able to pen this most wonderful experience in a string of words. Thank you for reading and do watch out for my next write-up about ‘Events that Followed the Fight ’.
Image Credit: WiseShree
