KrsnaGuruji teaches me that this journey takes time, “but it will come.”
In the books about Saints, Sages, their ashrams and temples, time is compressed. Years and years are eloquently contorted into a few hundred of pages. It appears that the devotees, disciples and aspirants are transformed in just a short time. And that is what I want, too.
I want the magic wand, tap my head and let me know with certainty, but spirituality is not that. There is nothing I can do to speed this process. It pains me that I cannot experience God. This gift of traveling and staying in India with KrsnaGuruji is a blessing. This trip has narrowed my questions, but I cannot find solace in the answers. Some days are just harder to bear.
In 2016, something happened, but what was that? Intellectually, yes, God is here with me, but I cannot see Him; I cannot feel Him. Pleading from my heart, doesn’t bring a vision of God. Yet, from my reading, it is told that when an aspirant prostrates before God with a pure heart, vision of God is possible. Is my heart not pure?
The burden of my worldly coverings weighs heavily on me. Not realizing the God within is breaking my heart. There is no experience to carry me. There is only my belief that He exists. Okay, I am on the path, but the path is full of heartache. Despite calling out to Him, this quest has not made God clear to me. Does He hear me? So again I ask, is my heart not pure?
The removal of my ignorance is so slow. I don’t understand. God put me here to experience Him yet I am veiled. My spiritual progression is far behind the longing of my heart. Even as the tears run down my face, I know there is only one way for me. Blessed by His Grace, I am on this spiritual path of Love and Longing, but some days the weight on my heart is difficult to carry. This has been one such day.
